When starting this project, ‘A Year for My Soul’ I set a clear intention of having no deadlines or rigid timetable. The last thing I wanted was to put pressure on myself; I wanted connecting to the rhythm of my soul to be a spontaneous, natural process, where I honoured my own flow.
Simplicity was key.
Sitting down to write today, I realised that I haven’t written a post in nearly 3 weeks.
I have thought about writing, a lot! Yet my inclination to do so has been slight.
Noticing how this felt became interesting to me.
Six months in and some big things have come up; learnings and a deeper understanding around personal patterns in my life.
Rather like an archaeological dig: I’ve been gently brushing the layers of earth away, to see what may be revealed.
One such pattern I’ve unearthed is around not completing or finishing things.
There’s a part of me that feels that if I don’t meet my own expectations of what I “should” be doing, that maybe I should just stop.
This losing consistency is a softer manifestation of that. Can you relate? Instead of feeling it’s too hard, we tell ourselves “I’m not feeling it” or “I’ve neglected this already”… and we slip away quietly from our commitments.
What effect does that have on our lives?
Another area of resistance coming up for me is a feeling that I’m not achieving much by writing this.
There is no road map. And so I find myself asking:
Where am I?
Have I even moved? Altered course? Changed direction in any way?
It’s challenging, this feeling that I am not getting anywhere. At the weekend, my temper flared with someone close to me. These kinds of conflicts are always linked to not listening to my soul’s whispers; trying to do and be supportive of others, even when you are tired …….. and quite frankly that is far from keeping things simple.
Oh the irony! Life lessons on constant rinse and repeat until they are finally grasped.
And so I am aware that I’ve arrived at a pivotal point.
In terms of this project, I’m almost exactly at the halfway point of the year.
Life is pointing me back to simplicity; back to surrender.
I know, deep down, I’ve moved so much. We’ve gone through the whole season of winter, and now we find ourselves amongst Spring. I feel a duty to myself to complete the project.
When I’ve shared work previously from a business standpoint, it’s been easy to measure my progress. In the number of clients attracted, or the money made. But this is a personal, feminine project. My journey is an inward one.
Part of moving away from the linear, masculine model is recognising that we don’t move smoothly from achievement to achievement. There are no badges or rewards for doing this deep introspective work.
Like the seasons coming back year after year, I am returning to the same questions again.
Soul, simplicity and surrender. I’m still not great at paying attention to what my soul is saying. I’m still not great with the simplicity piece. It’s easy to sometimes feel despondent about that.
There’s no map; and this can lead to confusion and if I’m not careful, self sabotage creeps in.
But the truth is, when I slow down, I do receive answers. In this morning’s meditation, something came to me: I need to go back to yoga classes. I’ve continued my practise at home, but it’s time for me to find a teacher again. These quiet whispers of my soul come to me above the noise.
Simplicity means staying with the same questions. It means sometimes feeling frustrated that the challenges we face are still the same. We want to move away from our thoughts and experiences and we typically crave what is new, different, exciting: that’s why we want to buy new things, have new experiences and fill our lives with difference. But simplicity means accepting that we have what is in front of us. That even when we resist what is there, the lessons remain until we’ve learned them and truly appreciate them as gifts.