Tomorrow is Summer Solstice; we are entering the season of growth and maturation. My internal season has changed, rather like a flower tightly in a bud suddenly popping open I’m experiencing an internal summer. The birds are rejoicing outside and I am brimming with joy and anticipation as I await the arrival of my granddaughter.
It feels like the perfect time for a celebration of who I am becoming and the lessons learned along the way.
When I first heard about my eldest daughter’s pregnancy, I had just started this journey. I didn’t write about it. There was plenty for me to process. Fear for my daughter bringing a child into the world on her own. Shame also bubbled to the surface, although I quickly moved through this, with the almighty realisation that this shame didn’t belong to me. It wasn’t shame for my daughter but for what I had put my own parents through several decades ago when I too became unexpectedly pregnant. I become acutely aware of a couple of patterns running deeply along my maternal line. Patterns that I’ve carried ancestrally, curiosity led me to notice similar patterns going back to my maternal great grandmother and who knows beyond that. I wasn’t prepared to place this projection onto my daughter it wasn’t my business to do so.
Anyone who has been following my daughters blog https://unconventional-moi.tumblr.com/ will already know that she is an amazing young yet, wise woman.
Likewise with my son, I’ve needed to totally release him. Cut any cords that were binding us and learn how to transform the duality of fear into love with loving kindness and compassion.
I had no idea back in the autumn when I permitted myself to explore the depths of my inner winter using this blog as a tool for contemplation and enquiry to explore the next phase of my life that this is what my soul would reveal. I’ve grown, wilder and wiser.
Throughout that process, I have cleared, shed, emptied, removed and let go of many unhealthy patterns; co-dependency, enabling, rescuing and giving way too much of my time and energy and instead replenishing myself with new thoughts, beliefs and possibilities about who I am becoming.
I am grateful for all the experience as amongst them, dotted around there are always precious gifts if we are prepared to seek them providing opportunities to constantly learn and unlearn.
And with this, just like the flower in full bloom, I feel my inner power returning, Rather like I have fine tuned the frequency of a radio and discovering a new station. I feel more alive than I can remember for many years.
Things feel so much clearer almost as if I am looking down on life and can see the dots joining up. I’m learning to use my voice, not suppress it. Asking for what I want rather than deny parts of my existence.
As the sunshine inside radiates outwards I’m beginning to shine like a diamond, embracing each and every facet that totals me.