The last few days leading up to Christmas I noticed myself falling into old patterns and behaviours; simplicity temporarily slipped out of the back door.
I got caught in a spin, putting everyone else’s needs in place, making myself small, quashing myself like a scrunched up paper ball which left little time or space for me.
Not even space to write
Sure I found some time, but sitting down to write in a ‘scheduled’ way, the words didn’t flow and the thought storm raging in my mind dominated, with matters I had little control over.
Inspiration returned today when I read a friends question on facebook.
“Where is your fave writing space?” she asked.
Immediately the answer popped into my mind. It wasn’t a physical location (although I do enjoy writing in my favourite tea room).
For me it was the space in my head – without that I am unable to surrender to my soul or to hear her whispers.
In the days leading up to Christmas I’d forgotten to ask myself the magic questions
Am I doing what I really want to do?
How do I want to feel?
Now those few frenzied days have passed, I am able to see them as a timely gift: a clear reminder of a behaviour, a pattern I play out that no longer serves me. One I want to firmly leave behind with the energy of 2016.
For that gift, I am extremely grateful.
2016 has been a pivotal year, a year of endings and completions as a 9 year cycle comes to a close.
Significant events this year included:
Coming to terms with the end of my marriage and what that means moving forward
Our house sales falling through, not once but twice!
People I deemed as good friends becoming distant
Feeling alone and lacking support
Waves of sadness, guilt confusion and shame
and over the holiday season, the loss of a dear neighbour who was like a second mum to me as I grew up
At times life has felt hard, really hard …….. and complicated. I’ve often carried this rucksack full of heavy emotions.
Of course everything in life is in contrast too and there have been some amazing highs too.
Just because my marriage didn’t last it doesn’t mean it didn’t work. Yet for the purpose of this post I have intentionally emphasised the challenges because I want to point out a truth.
That in order to feel safe, organised and in control we tend to schedule, organise, plan, categorise and systematise just about everything in our lives in an attempt to eliminate the unpredictable.
Excessive order isn’t natural, in reality life is quite simple – life is chaotic and messy.
I’m not choosing to see 2016 as a ‘bad’ year but as an awakening year.
A time to forgive; myself and others
In the last few remaining days I am unpacking my rucksack and assessing the energy, thoughts and emotions I’d packed tightly in there so I can enter the next nine year cycle in a warrioress like fashion.
I won’t be adding more (routines, to dos ) to my life, neither will I be chasing goals – they keep us focused on the future, moving us away from the power of now, from living fully in the moment.
Instead as 2017 approaches – a 1 year, a year of setting new foundations – I’ll be asking the magic questions and writing a new life mission for 2017 – 2025 and beyond.
I’m calling in the necessary love and support because I want to feel more, experience more, be more – I intend living as if today were my last and to experience – this gift of life – during this brief space of time we have on this beautiful planet of ours .
Thank you 2016, you have served me well.